


Purpose

by JkWriter



Category: Original Work
Genre: Cross Country, J - Freeform, Life lesson, M/M, Post-High School, Purpose, Road Trip, Search for Meaning, life story
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-04-06
Packaged: 2018-05-31 13:51:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6472549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JkWriter/pseuds/JkWriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He just wanted to find his purpose. He didn't expect to realize he was in love until it was too late nor did he expect that his death would take place at Walmart. Seriously, why Walmart?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

What was I doing here? 

That was a question I had been asking myself for hours. What in my life went so wrong that had me finding myself being held hostage in a Walmart? 

All I had wanted to do was find my purpose. I only wanted to make my life having been worth something. Yet in doing so I managed to find more trouble than what it was worth. 

Could this be my end? 

My list wasn’t completed. There were so many tasks yet to be completed. So many more regrets…

This couldn’t be my end. Not before something great. 

“EVERYBODY GET UP.” 

Gunshots came from the left and everyone, including myself, scrambled up from the ground. 

“Our demands have yet to be met, so let’s decide who’s life isn’t worth it.”

The man made his way towards the small group of us who were huddled in the corner of the garden section. He had the gun trained on us, a malicious grin on his face. A look that would forever haunt my nightmares if I made it out of here alive. 

But despite that, despite the horrifying feeling it gave me, I felt a sense of familiarity. Of the man, of the situation. It was something that send shudders down my spine. 

“We want to send a message. A message that we’re not horrible people, but we’re willing to do what it takes to get what we want.” 

The man with the gun motioned towards the rest of his group. The rest of them had masks on, covering their faces. It seemed like they didn’t want to be remembered while the gunman, it seemed like being remembered was all he wanted. Perhaps this was his purpose. Installing fear into the hearts of everyone he met. 

“Let’s start with the gentlemen. Someone young.. Someone who could have done something great.” His pointed his gun at various people in the crowd. I tried to blend in, hid behind someone older. He must have noticed me moving as I found the gun pointed directly at me. “How about you? The wanderer, the boy with no purpose.” 

Wait, what?


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Telling your parents you don't want to go to college is easy, right?

What is our purpose in the world? Why are we here if we’re ultimately going to die one day? We never have enough time to accomplish everything we want to do, so why do we even bother? 

 

I was sixteen the first time it happened. 

It wasn’t intentional. I certainly hadn’t meant for it to happen. I was just thinking, something I had been doing a lot lately, when the realization hit me. What was my purpose for being on the planet? At the time it didn’t effect me too much, after all I was sixteen and had my whole life ahead of me. But there was always something in the back of my mind reminding me that I only had one life and I better do it right the first time because there wouldn’t be a second. 

At seventeen I started the list. It wasn’t exactly a bucket list. It wasn’t just filled with things to do before I died, it was also filled with regrets. The first ten items on the list were regrets of things I would never get the chance to do again. It was at that point I realized the list shouldn’t just be regrets, but desires as well. 

The first desire? The first thing I wanted to accomplish before the endless void consumed my life making it impossible for anything more to come from my somewhat miserable life? Make an A in at least one high school English class. 

It wasn’t anything too difficult. I wanted to make my first goal something easy that I might actually be able to accomplish. 

At the time it was only the first semester of my junior year. English wasn’t until the second semester so I had time to prepare for it. Time to be sure it actually had a chance of it happening. 

By the time the school year was coming to an end I was barely scraping by with a 90, but it was an A. Thus goal one was met. 

It was after this I felt that sense of accomplishment. I felt as though I was finally doing something good with my life. I was finally making my life worth living for. 

Summer brought forth my first real adventure. Goal two on the list was a little more difficult. Something that would take some trying to make happen. First things first? Going to a summer camp. 

I didn’t exactly want to be a camper myself. The idea of having to listen to people barely older than me wasn’t that appealing. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t go. 

The end of June brought the time of the camp The one I had chosen to volunteer at was only an hour away from my home, yet my parents still insisted on being the ones to drive me. They had grown so used to having a child around they didn’t know what they would do without me, even if it was just for two weeks. 

Chestnut Farms was located on the edge of Hillsborough, just ten minutes from the town. My role there was to watch over the younger kids, the elementary students whose parents sent them for the two week long camp. It was an easy enough job, it also added another thing to my list. Have kids one day. 

Before Chestnut Farms I had never thought about the possibility of having kids since I only viewed them as something to put up with. A couple campers changed that completely.

The end of the camp brought an end to my first adventure, the first thing taken from my list that was a bit of a stretch. It brought a time of peace in my life, of fulfillment and accomplishment. Something in me had changed. 

I was inspired. 

I spent the remainder of the summer locked in my room, adding things to the list. Item after item was added, dream after dream, regrets trickling in. By the time summer had ended and senior year had begun I had filled out an entire notebook with things I wanted to do. 

Senior year wasn’t the dream I had dreamed of when I was younger. It was ‘Phil this’, ‘Phil that’, ‘Apply for college but not that one’. If I ever thought being stressed was easy my first three years of high school, they were nothing compared to senior year. 

The feelings I had nearly a year ago were brought back. Again I found myself falling in a pit of misery. I felt as though I was choking, unable to break free from this mold society had fit me into. This wasn’t the adventure I wanted. It wasn’t the life I felt I needed to live. 

That was when I made the choice. 

The choice that would affect my life for years to come. The one choice that was either going to break me completely or free me from the chains I had been fastened in.

*****************

“Philip, dear. Have you done your APUSH homework yet?” 

I looked up from the laptop to my mother who stood in the doorway. She had her hair pulled back in a messy bun and held in her hands my textbook. I couldn’t do anything but smile sheepishly as she brought the textbook into my room and dropped it next to me on the bed. 

“Homework first, Tumblr later. College application week is coming faster than you can wait for. While the class won’t be on your application, it’ll be on your transcript.” 

College application week. 

At my school it was celebrated like a holiday. Teachers looked forward to the week, students were excited. It seemed like every day there was a class held for applications. Ever since my freshman year I had been dreading the thought of college application week. It’s not like I didn’t like the idea of free college applications. Hell, college applications had made it onto my list of things I wanted to complete. But that was earlier in the summer. Now the thought of applying for college pained me. 

“Phil, darling, are you alright?” 

My mother still stood in the doorway of my room. I hadn’t noticed she still remained having zoned out before. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking about college.” 

That wasn’t a lie. I was thinking about college. I was thinking about college and how it was seen as something required for me to do by society. It was something that was expected of me. It was part of the mold I had been fitted in. 

My mom didn’t seem fazed by my vague answer. She gave me a look, the kind only a mother would be able to, before turning and walking away. 

I was grateful for that. The lack of pushing, of questions. She understood me like that. She knew and respected that I was independent and didn’t do well under pressure. Something my dad had yet to learn. 

The APUSH homework I had yet to complete was on the Reconstruction period after the Civil War. The document held various questions on what it was and who was involved. It was simple enough to do, or it would be if I had the drive to sit down and knock it out. Instead, I found my attention shifting away from the textbook next to me and back to the laptop that was still on my laptop, still opened to Tumblr. 

Who needs homework when you have a blog to run? 

My blog was essentially the same thing as my list. I filled it with my deepest desires and my sincerest regrets. It wasn’t exactly popular, but then again that wasn’t my intention when I first started it. I used it as a way to help plan my adventures, my purpose.

It was supposed to bring a sense of wonder, enchantment. A sense of desires. Though right now all it was bringing was envy. 

My entire dash was filled with images of other people's adventures. People who weren’t afraid of breaking free from society's constructs. People who liked the idea of rebelling in order for a little bit of fun. A little bit of life. 

I envied them and their ability to break free. 

Perhaps that was what influenced the decision. My envy of those who weren’t afraid of going after what they believed in. Maybe they were the ones who made me realize I wasn’t going to find my purpose going from school to school, never taking the time I needed for myself. 

It wasn’t until dinner later that week I brought up the idea. 

Dinner with my family was never a spectacular occasion. It’s not that we didn’t have anything to discuss, if given a certain mood my parents and I could hold a conversation for hours on end. Dinner just wasn’t that atmosphere. It was the time we enjoyed the quiet, enjoyed each others company without having to worry about any awkward conversations about our days and what’s going on in our lives. 

“I want an adventure.” 

What a great way to tell your parents you don’t plan on attending college right after high school. Just go right on out and say what you want. 

My mom and dad apparently didn’t get my drift or at least didn’t understand what I meant by that. They both looked at me with matching looks of confusion on their faces. 

“I mean… I don’t want to do nothing in life. I want to find my purpose. I feel like an adventure would help me find that.” 

My father still had the look in his eyes. It as a look that I was almost able to mimic perfectly to the point there was no questions about whether or not we were father and son. People say I’ve got his eyes, even if mine are blue while his are brown. It was just one of those things I never understood, but it made him smile so I never questioned it. 

I took a deep breath and for the first time really questioned what the hell I was doing. My entire highschool career was me getting ready for college. Everything I’ve done since I was fourteen was leading to college and yet, here I was. About to bring all the dreams my parents had for me crashing down. Was it worth it? Was finding what truly made me happy worth ruining their ideas of a perfect son? 

“I’ve been thinking lately. About my list of wants and regrets. It seems like there are more regrets than dreams. I don’t want my life to be one big regret. I don’t want to move through on this straight path never veering to the side. I long for the adventures life can bring. I long for choosing my own fate instead of following alongside what the world has predestined for me.

I’m not applying for college. Not now. High school is going to be it for me, at least for a while. I need to find my first great adventure before I can go spend another four years in school, trapped by the shackles that college would place on me.” 

My pre-thought out speech sounded cheesy right about now. I watched my parents reactions, trying to read their expressions. My mom’s was more understanding, like she knew that this was coming. My dad had a bit more shock on his face. I could understand why. I had been talking to him about college for years now. While he may be upset right now, I knew he’d come around eventually. Even if it took some time. 

“Phil, son, what’s brought this on?” 

The dreaded conversation I never wanted to have with my dad was coming. What would I say?

 

I might be depressed because I haven’t been able to choose my own destiny.   
I need to do this. If I don’t I might suffocate.   
It’s always been coming, I just never knew until recently. 

 

I didn’t know what to say. All of these options were running through my head. All of these different things I could say that had the potential of making things either better or worse. Right now I wasn’t too keen on finding out. Instead I remained quiet and watched my parents exchange glances. Both knowing what the other wanted to say without saying anything at all. 

“We’ll talk about this later. For now why don’t you finish your dinner before going to your room. I do believed that new game you ordered arrived. It’s in the study.” 

For my dad, that was what he liked to do instead of sending me to my room. He was never strict like that. Another one of the things I was grateful for. 

The idea of finishing my food at this point, it wasn’t exactly something I was too keen on doing. The once appetizing lasagna now seemed like mush. Instead of finishing I pushed the plate away and got up from the table. Both parents watched me with concerned eyes but I paid them no mind and took the plate from the table in the dining room to the kitchen. 

I dropped the plate into the sink, deciding to deal with it later and made my way towards my room. I was tempted to go to the office and see if my game had in fact come, but my mind was too distracted for me to even think about enjoying a game. I needed my list. I had to add a regret. Telling dad about the adventure. 

While I knew he would come around and I knew he wasn’t going to be upset about this in end I still felt that it was a mistake. Was this really the best decision for me, for my future? 

When I stepped in my room I was met with the familiarity of black and gray walls. The walls, which had been painted that way since I was young, were paint of what my friends liked to call the “hideous” color scheme. Them, coupled with the variety of posters from different bands, TV shows, and movies, made up the wall art along with the occasional personal picture from the younger years. 

As soon as I walked into the room I flopped down on the bed, careful of my laptop which was on the side of the bed. 

One of the disadvantages to having a twin sized bed was the fact I couldn’t just leave my laptop open and expect it to be out of my way when I wanted to fall down like I just had. 

Something had begun to buzz near my head and it took far too long for me to realize that it was my phone. I reached forward and grabbed the phone, turning it so that the screen was facing me. I was greeted with the black and white image of a boy lying on a table, draw me like a corgi was edited onto the picture. I couldn’t help but smile at the image before swiping my finger across the screen and putting the call on speaker. 

“Hel-”

“What is this I’ve heard of you not applying to college?” 

“Nice to talk to you too, Oliver. Oh me? I’m going well.” 

“I’m sorry, did I stutter? What’s wrong with you, why aren’t you applying?”

"How did you even find out about that? I only just told my parents." 

"I have my sources, now start talking."

I sighed and sat up on the bed. How do you explain to your best friend that you’re not going to college and instead is going to travel across the country? There isn’t a good answer. I took the phone off speaker before holding it to my face. 

“I can’t go to college, at least not now. I need to find something else, I need to do more with my life. I can’t find my purpose at some college. I don’t want to finish school only to be forced to start another four years at a different school. That’s a waste of my life, especially when I can be using that time to do something, make something of myself.” 

Oliver was silent on the other end of the line. I couldn’t tell whether or not he was trying to think of something supportive to say or if he needed to figure out the nicest way to call me, as he would say, a fucking idiot. 

“Phil, listen. You’re my best friend. We’ve known each other since we were four. You’re a brother to me, and I respect that you’re going off to do something you want, something that you believe in. But you’re a goddamn idiot. I mean seriously, what the fuck are you going to do? How are you even going to pay for your so called adventure?”

That was a question I was yet to find the answer to. How was I going to pay for my adventure? I’m sure if I asked my parents would give me the money, but I didn’t want to. Not when they could instead use the money on something more important. 

“About that…” I started. 

There was a sigh on the line and I knew Oliver had come to the conclusion I hadn’t thought that far yet. He probably expected something like that from me by now. After all, we have known each other for fourteen years. 

“Listen, I get that you want to do this. I think you should. No offense but you were never cut out for college, but you’re going to have to get a job. Like an actual paying job, not something you quit after a day because it’s ‘wasting your life’. I’m sure if you work from now until graduation you can scrap up enough money to get by, at least for a while.” 

I listened silently to what he had to say. Working was never my strong suit. Every job I’ve had since I was fourteen always ended in me quitting almost as soon as beginning. Nothing felt like it was helping my life, my search for purpose. 

“I don’t know.” I finally responded after a few minutes of silence. “How am I supposed to hold a job? We both know I’m not very good at that. In fact, we both know I’m terrible at it.” 

“I’ve got a friend who works at some game store in town. You like video games so maybe you’d be good at that.” 

“I appreciate the offer, but I’m not sure I’m cut out for a job. I have a college fund, I could just take some money from that and,”

“No. I’m going to stop you right there. That is your college fund for if and when you decide to go. You can’t take that money. At least not unless it’s an emergency. Look, dude. Just take this job for a week, if you don’t like it you can quit. At least if you’re there a week you’ll get one paycheck.”

The offer was tempting. I needed the money, especially if I was going to be traveling around the country and Oliver did have a point about the college fund. I wasn’t planning on completely ditching the idea of college, only for a little while. Just until I’ve had my great adventure.

“Alright, fine. One week. If I don’t like it, then I’m not staying and I’ll find another way to get some money.” Hopefully without doing anything illegal, then again I had never been one for breaking the laws. Even the smallest things that came nowhere close to being illegal spooked me. 

“Thank you. I know you’ll like this job. Especially since I’m hooking you up with it.” I could hear the grin on his face. 

“You know, despite what everyone, including yourself, seem to believe, my whole life doesn’t infact revolve around you.” 

Oliver laughed on the other side of the line. I couldn’t help but smile as he tried to breathe out a response. 

“You keep telling yourself that and I’ll keep letting you believe it. But we both know that’s not quite the truth.” There was a teasing undertone to his voice but I didn’t say anything back. How could I? Oliver, despite not knowing it, was right. My life practically revolved around him nowadays. It made sense, considering he was my best friend. 

“Thanks Ollie. I love the faith you have in me.”

“You know I love you Philip.” I groaned at the use of my full name. “I’ve always had faith in you, especially when you tried asking Iris to prom. Man, I had a lot of faith in you then.”

“You promised never to bring that up.” 

I tried to making my voice as serious as I could. 

Oliver just laughed.

“I hate you.” 

He silenced down for a moment before responding. 

“Good. Now, I hope you’re ready because I’m coming over this weekend and we’re playing World of Warcraft, purpose be damned.” 

By the time I had hung up the phone Oliver had managed to contact his friend and get me the job. I was officially a sales associate at Games of the Past. 

My phone was nearly dead so I put it on the charger and lied back on my bed, eyes lingering on the ceiling. Without Oliver to talk to I could hear my parents in their own room talking about what had happened earlier tonight. It isn’t exactly pleasing to hear your parents talking about your future without you. It sounded like my dad was still skeptical about the whole adventure situation. Hell, I was too.

What if my adventure didn’t help me at all? What if instead of finding my purpose I found nothing? I didn’t think I’d be able to handle that, wasting all that time on nothing. Spending so long searching for something that might not even be there. 

Was finding my purpose in the world really worth wasting my life away? 

At this point I wasn’t too sure.


End file.
